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What a Life

Just a Quickie Please Doc

There’s no reason for it ……

it’s just our policy

WwRobert G. Evans

 

This blog is deliberately written to feature short anecdotes and quotes. Some are informative. Some are amusing. Some are serious. Some are controversial. 

Historically Petri dishes were placed around various points in a ward especially in Intensive Care Units. They were often situated under beds. The purpose of these was to isolate bacteria that may have been present.
A nurse placed the Petri dishes under a bed in the Intensive Care Unit. A relative of the patient asks the nurse, ”Have you got mice in here?” Nurse looks bemused. Relative continues, ”I’ve just seen you put a mouse trap under the bed”

Oxygen is the spice of life not curry…….. curry just tastes better.

Alcohol is the anaesthesia by which 

we endure the operation of life.

George Bernard Shaw 


Mr X is so far up Professor Y’s derrière that

Mr Z can’t even see Mr X’s feet.

Unknown 

One gasoose used to suffer terrible nightmares in his childhood. These consisted of a spaceship with blue lights coming to take him to an alien planet. One evening those nightmares came to fruition. He got nicked by the cops with their blue lights shining for having a rear light down on his motor.

As a medical student I had always seen “sisters” run wards. I had never met a male version. One day inevitably I did. Not sure how to address him, I guessed that if females were called sister, his title must be brother. I called him brother. I thought the look in his eyes was about to kill me.

During the SARS epidemic everyone had the disease until otherwise substantiated. Hospitals had set up a “hospital do-gooders hotline”. Punter phones in, the conversation proceeded as follows; Nurse, ”Hello, SARS helpline. How can we help you?” Punter, ”Was thinking of ordering a chinky from Flu Manchu tak-a-wah tonight. What do you think eh? Is it safe eh?” Nurse, ”What?” Punter, ”Best not eh? Best not to be sorry eh. Better not eh. I’ll get a curry delivered by them, coz that’s really Indian innit, eh?”. Call ends.

On my travels whilst gassing for an emergency list, I was asked to anaesthetise an late middle aged woman with large cyst on the nape of her neck. Off I went hop, skip and jump to the ward where she was an inmate. The ward absolutely stank. The smell was so bad I thought Burke and Hare had hidden one of their “guests” under a bed. No! It was the patient I was to gas. She was totally uncooperative. She had refused personal hygiene. Her hair looked as if it had not been washed for months upon months. There were bugs freely crawling over. The one thing she did say was that they were her friends. I nearly vomited in that room several times the two minutes I was there. The nurses refused to shave her head and enforce hygiene because it was against her human rights. What about the human rights of the other twenty-nine patients on the ward? The anaesthetic and surgery were straightforward.
In theatre I heavily coated my mask with my aftershave. Once she was asleep, I turned the anaesthetic machine round so I could see it from the anaesthetic room. Boiling shower and scrub afterwards. I felt I could not get rid of the smell for several days afterwards.

It’s a dirty job but somebody’s 

gotta do it.

Adapted from a song written by Jim Steinman


The gasoose goes to see an elderly woman with a fractured thigh bone. Since he intended to do a thorough physical examination, he pulled the bedside curtains round. It was the decent action of any doctor to ensure privacy and dignity. As soon as the curtains were drawn, the lady began shouting, ”Help! Help! He’s raping me! He’s raping me! Help! Help!” Immediately two nurses appeared in the bay to tell the gasman that poor lady shouted that phrase irrespective of who approached her. It could be male or female, the same thing happened. Both nurses had a good giggle at my expense.

We had admitted a very sick elderly woman to the intensive care unit. I had discussed with the senior nurse what I intended to tell the family. As we walked together together towards the relatives room, he said to me, “Once you have given them your spiel, they’ll say, “Please carry on doctor.She’s a fighter “. They family said exactly that”. I caught the charge nurse’s. He was sitting next to the family. He winked at me. I knew at that I was going to have fits of laughter. I left the room immediately. 

Dr Google is no answer for any medical problems. It serves only to cause fear, especially for the layperson. Just leave it alone.

On one occasion a lady asked me repeatedly to talk to her father about smoking. That io to tell him to stop smoking. He was due to have heart surgery. I gave the lecture as requested. As I stood up to leave, my own cigarettes fell out of my pocket. The bloke pointed at me with rapturous laughter. The daughter seemed a little frustrated. This brown face turned red and could feel the heat under the collar.

I stopped asking people whether or how much they smoked  The same with alcohol. Most people lied anyway. It became a futile exercise  

The number of elderly orthopaedic trauma patients I came across in my career who had been given no personal hygiene by the ward staff was astonishing. It was not unusual to receive them in the anaesthetic room smelling and lying in a wet bed, awaiting pressure sores. The irony of this was that the ward was hell bent on reducing infection rates. How would they manage that?

One old lady needed a heart valve replacement. She had two or three horrible looking teeth in her mouth. She was advised that the teeth should be removed prior to surgery as there was otherwise a high risk of a heart valve infection. Then she would require prolonged antibiotic treatment without any certainty that the infection would be cleared. She was so terrified of dentists that she refused. Yet she was prepared to have heart surgery. She had an emergency valve replacement. The valve did become reinfected. She died. 

Anyone ever notice the number jobsworths in public systems?

Most of what we call management consists

of making it difficult to get work done.

Peter Drucker

Reflecting regarding jobsworths………. The Peter Principle is not a conspiracy, it becomes more apparent as each day passed.

In a hierarchy, every employee 

tends to rise to his level of incompetence.

 

Work is accomplished by those employees 

who have not yet achieved their level of

incompetence. 

Laurence J. Peter

(Both Quotes)

Anyone ever notice that with age everything shrinks 

except the drooping breasts, bags under the

eyes and the prostate gland.

Jazz Pal-Kerr

Hey guys, do you not think if females had a prostate gland science would already have found a cure for the problems caused by that horrid waste of cells causes?

There was one story that will never leave me. A bloke, a layman was sent a prescription through the post. Since he was an old timer, he believed “the doctor can never be wrong” despite the fact he hadn’t seen one for nearly two decades. The prescription was for dangerous heart and blood pressure drugs. Off he went to the pharmacy, collected the drugs and followed the instructions. The next day an appointment arrived for him to attend the hospital for an examination via his backend of his large bowel with an instrument nicknamed “the black snake” (a colonoscope). Again, off he went, without question and had the examination. About a week later, his wife, a nurse returned from holiday. He told her the events of the previous fortnight. She began laughing watching his bemused face. Both the tablets and the large bowel examination were for a completely different person with the same name. Oh dear!! 

I once met a surgeon that preferred to do bum examinations without gloves, just with his bare finger. Whichever student was with him would rush to make the hot beverages. He would offer to buy us lunch. Thankfully we always managed to make an excuse and escape. To this day I am convinced he had bluebottles chasing him up the corridor. He did wash his hands prior to lunch. However, I still dread the thought of him in a self-service restaurant and paying with cash. Money is sometimes referred to as dirty because the number of hands it passes through.

Anyone surprised??

The word ”sorcery” is the Greek word “pharmakeia”. The source of the contemporary words “pharma” and “pharmaceutical”. it means, ”To drug or poison”.

Two horror shows;

1. During the repair of a major abdominal vessel. The surgeon shouts, “He’s bleeding!!” several times. The consultant anaesthetist turns around, ignores the surgeon and starts humming to himself. the surgeon shook his head and looked at me, with a begging stare in his eyes. I was a senior trainee at that time and had to take over. The consultant kept humming to himself. He said did nothing. I was speechless myself. The surgeon thanked me later.

2. One Saturday I was on call for the ICU. There was a patient in theatre with a ruptured gullet. Since he was to be sent to the ICU after surgery, I popped into theatre to check on progress. The patient’s heart was in a fast and abnormal rhythm. I mentioned it to the consultant and asked whether I should mix up a drug used to treat the rhythm. He disconnected the heart monitor and said to me, “He’s not now”. Unbelievable stuff  

 

For thy merchants were the great men of the earth;

for by thy sorceries (pharmakeia) were all nations deceived.

Revelation 18:23

COVID spelled backwards DIVOV. In Hebrew, DIVOC translates to; “Possession of the evil spirit”.

Hospital gossip be like this: “Have you seen that? Dr X, Mr Y’s junior doctor has already pulled Nurse Z! He didn’t hang about did he? Nurse Z heard the same comments multiple times. Eventually one day having heard them again, Nurse Z walked across to the other nurses and pointed out that Dr X (Jazz) and her were long time partners. Get it? Leaving some very embarrassed nurses all round! Moral of the story? Don’t bloody well insinuate and gossip!!

I had become accustomed to calling people chief if i had forgotten their name or did not know it. One day a huge Afro-Caribbean turned up on the ICU ward round. I felt obliged to ask him who he was addressing him as chief. His immediate reply was, ”How did you know i am chief of my tribe in Africa?”

On a hot summer day, would it be reasonable for an obese infection control nurse (Dirty Harriet) to tell me I should not be suited and booted? She was breathless, perspiration down to her waist and had body odour. Remind me, how much does a bottle of deodorant cost?

Forget Covid, I think we all know that the real developing pandemic is obesity and it’s many complications.
When it begins in childhood it will probably be a lifelong problem. The local rag were about to interview a young obese boy. To break him into the chat gently the reporter asked the lad what his favourite musical instrument was …………..

The boy’s reply ………………. THE DINNER BELL

 Picture this, guy with long unkempt hair, a few hairs on upper lip apparently called a moustache, skinny jeans, white socks and slip on shoes. Get the picture? The woman was on the “larger side” for a human being A proper pelvic crusher!. He was like a rake. Who knows how people of such a different stature get it on. As soon as the baby was delivered he was off to the local boozer to wet the baby’s head. Inevitably he got himself drunk. He pulled another very large woman for the night ahead.  The result being she was up the Khyber too. Big predicament for him. Both families were small time gangsters. Time for the skinny bloke to pack his bags and leg it

Two members of hospital staff enjoyed fine dining. They were both rather large. In my experience fine dining means a few morsels representing each course. The guy admitted they often had a kebab on the way home. Allegedly they had been trying for a child. I momentarily imagined myself to be a peeping Tom. As the voyeur, I was watching them …….. woman on all fours. Bloke lifts his belly up and plants it on her back. Two minutes later it was a case of ……

They think it’s all over…..

It is now!

Kenneth Wolstenholme 

Now, everyone has heard of a five minute wonder, but a two minute wonder? Never before and never again!!

So, I am standing next to this bloke who needs to get one of his dairy cattle out of a minefield. He sends in his reluctant dog to get the cow out. I nudge him and tell him what he’s just done. His face turns the colour of snow.

Here I am at a conference in the beautiful city of Belfast. Our dog was named named ”Bomber”. I am speaking increasingly loudly, shouting his name down my “brick” mobile phone. Passers by are staring at me. I assumed it was because I had an English accent. One of my co-attendees pounces on me remind me that shouting ”Bomber” was not such a good idea in Belfast

People can be so inconsiderate. First, the seagulls keep me awake much of the night. When their chicks start squealing it very much sounded like a baby crying. These horrible creatures never nested on our roof. Spicy curry definitely had its beneficial effects! Then the magpies would start with their machine gun like scrawl. Eventually the wood pigeons came on board with their coo cooing. These must be the dumbest birds on earth. They make blondes, the non feathered variety seem intelligent! To add insult to injury, the twat living behind us buys a yap dog. Another about 100yards along the lane  another idiot buys a couple of cockerels. Now I have to say I am a great animal lover. However, sometimes one feels like getting his bow and arrow out and playing Robin Hood. The cockerels would not have been out of place on my dinner table. I came to the conclusion that there are many inconsiderate people out there. Obviously they don’t realise that we might be working 10-15hrs that day. Alternatively, it may be a 24hr on-call stint! Give me a break fools!!!

When I graduated, I was nicknamed “Quincy” by my family. I tried to point out that ”Quincy” looked after stiffs whilst I was supposed to be taking care of those with life still in their bones. All to no avail.

Never go to a doctor whose 

office plants have all died.

Emma Bombeck

 

Sleeping with the Gasman

amazon.co.uk/dp/1398415278

 

Thank you for reading this post.

Kindest regards 

Jazz Pal-Kerr 

 

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