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What a Life

The Anus-Tit-ist

I’m playing the right notes

just in the wrong order.

Morcombe and Wise Show with Andre Previn

  • Strange things can happen in life at any time and anywhere. Personally I very rarely used my “Doctor” title out with the hospital. It just became a habit. There was a feeling that the title often intimidated people in the public arena. Furthermore, in some strange way I thought it was pretentious.
    My attitude developed on the first day at medical school. The Dean rolled in and told us all that we were in the top five percent of academic achievers in our age group. It seemed to me a masterful mechanism to create arrogance from day one. Being a back row boy from day one, I could see the smiles and fist pumps. To be totally honest with readers, I felt like standing up, telling the Dean he was an idiot. That would
    have been the end of medicine for me, before I had even started. Conceptually that may not have been a bad outcome for me. I would not have regretted it. I watched the standards of care drop each year  from the late 1990s, maybe earlier. Annually it became a more and more depressing experience. With the passage of time the sadness enveloped me. However, for me, as long as I did  my best, the system was not my problem. My irritation with politicians telling us that the NHS was the “envy” of the world yet no one had ever copied it.

To others it often seemed that I was embarrassed about my profession. I was. Me? I was always a bit of a weirdo. It is a tough and strange personality disorder which is impossible to shed. I guess that was an underlying dysfunctional behavioural pattern within me. However, there was never any insecurity.  My explanation for such odd behaviour was that ”the gases” had melted bits of my brain away. I could never be part of the sheeple.

It takes nothing to join the crowd.
It takes EVERYTHING to stand alone.

Hans F. Hansen


What makes you different or weird –

that’s your strength.

Meryl Streep

I commenced using the anaesthetist as my occupation. Many people did not know what an anaesthetist was. They definitely had no idea what anaesthetists actually did. In general, people would not ask because they did not want to show their ignorance. It was very different in hospital, it was easy to use the term doctor. In that era doctors still wore the white coat of purity. The doctor’s uniform. It was just as easy to say, ”I’ll be your anaesthetist, I will be putting you to sleep for your surgery”. If ever asked out with the hospital what did anaesthetist actually do? If ever asked outside the hospital the same question, I proffered a similar explanation to the above. Many would try and show an interest in the role. So I would bore them senseless until they fell asleep by my conversation or simply just buggered off. Yes, I was a very boring bloke. Often I thought who needs drugs, when I could bore people to sleep.

Me using the term anaesthetist at least recognised that it is a difficult word to say let alone spell. Having developed all the bad habits described, I would say, ”Anaesthetist” then quickly spell it for whoever was on the other side of the counter. To me it seemed to be the most honourable thing to do.

Once upon a time. I went to an estate agents to check out some properties. The purpose was to find somewhere to rent. An area where there where the essentials of life were close by, bars, shops and restaurants. What more could a man want?  Walking into the agent, a young lad greeted me. When the form filling began and the matter of occupation came up, I was about to go through my usual well rehearsed routine. However before I could even begin, the young lad had already scrawled it out. His version of “anaesthetist” was spelt ”anustitist”. Poor boy had been left with a claret face as I began to laugh. Me? I just could not control my roaring, side splitting laughter. Other people both in the office and customers stared at me with astonishment. They must have thought that I was the local village idiot, which I probably was. The manager m apologised to everybody, took me firmly by the arm and led me out of the office. Icwas given one hell of a rollicking by the manager for embarrassing the boy and disturbing the other people at the agency. Another group of thieves who would proceed to rob people as conveniently as the banks. At that moment the female manager didn’t look like a normal woman at all. The tiny brute resembled the Oriental Dracula, Fang Fang. I seriously thought she was going to sink her teeth into my neck and drain me of the red stuff! She was very pretty, I probably would not have minded such an action.

It never occurred to me at the time, perhaps the lad thought I was a surgeon. One specialising in rectal and breast surgery. Alternatively these could be referred to as an estate agents batty and jiggly caes.

I had never been a breast man. After all with age they cause pregnant bump around the waist Most blokes like a shapely ass. The anus however is reserved other biological functions. You can think about those yourselves …….

When I tell people the background to term nurtured as the ”Gasoose” there is always laughter. When I tell the story about the Anus – Tit – ist is told there is explosive laughter. Somehow I did have sympathy for the guy……. maybe not too much. He now does not say the word, “anaesthetist” at all, he just spells it out! A future indiscretion like that and I might find myself sitting at the gates of hell having been pushed down there by that manageress.

That my friends is the origin of the term “Anus-Tit-ist” Since I had never had the desire to become a surgeon, it gives me the freedom to use the term with impunity for the sake of comedy.

Having become accustomed to the term

Anus – Tit – ist , I soon began to realise that quite  

a few patients pronounced anaesthetist in the 

same way. On such occasions there was no

laughter from me. 

 

Married sex is like being

awake at your own autopsy,

It is root canal work without

an anaesthetic.

Al Goldstein

Sleeping with the Gasman

amazon.co.uk/dp/1398415278 


Thank you for reading this post.

Kindest regards 

Jazz Pal-Kerr 

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